I don’t remember much from last night but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies???
Only 2 things can change a woman’s mood: 1- I love you 2- 50% Discount
If you like someone, set them free. If they come back, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
If you eat well, get good sleep, exercise, and drink plenty of water, you’ll die anyway.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
When someone posts a selfie, I always wonder how many pictures they took before they decided they had the perfect one.
Today I’ll be cleaning. By cleaning, I mean drinking wine and spraying all my shit with Febreeze.
Married Sexting: I’m not wearing any underwear because you never put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.