Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered…”who ties your shoelaces for you?”
If you like someone, set them free. If they come back, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
My life is just a series of awkward and humiliated moments separated by snacks
Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.
The older you get the more you realize that no one has a fucking clue what they’re doing. Everyone’s just winging it.
I’m the type of person that spends 20 minutes rearranging the dishwasher to avoid doing 10 minutes of dishes.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
Religion is like a penis – it’s fine to have one and be proud of it, but when you take it out and wave it in my face, that’s when we have a problem.
Introverts Unite! (separately in your own homes).
Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.