Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking
Only 2 things can change a woman’s mood: 1- I love you 2- 50% Discount
Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich.
Married Sexting: I’m not wearing any underwear because you never put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
When a woman says “What?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you – she’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Sometimes I look at my husband and I think “Damn you are one lucky man”
Never trust a girl who doesn’t fart – who knows what else she’s hiding from you.